Waiting

We're all waiting for something, right?

For warmer weather. For a night "off". For reconciliation in relationships. For pregnancy. For a new job. For health. For me - marriage.

As Lent begins, I think about waiting. Much like I think about waiting during Advent. Let's be honest - I think about waiting a lot. I've been waiting for marriage for ten years. That's quite a bit of time to ponder waiting.

I think about the disciples and what they must have been thinking and feeling while they followed Jesus. They didn't know what He knew, but they were told to follow Him. I think about Mary and the range of emotions she must have been feeling while she waited to deliver her Deliverer. What a strange twist in what she thought her life would look like.

What was going on in their hearts regarding the unknown aspects of following Jesus? What was happening in their hearts as they waited to see how God's plan would play out?

A friend emailed me a verse from Isaiah 64 last week. It says "God acts for those who wait". When I first read it, I thought, "Oh good! I've been waiting! So at some point, God will act and give me the desire of my heart!" But as I've gone back to this verse over the last week, it has jumped out to me that God acts. As in, right now - He acts. He HAS acted. He DOES act. He WILL act.

While I wait. He acts.

I read this article about waiting yesterday. This portion stood out to me:

trust in the Lᴏʀᴅ . . .
delight yourself in the Lᴏʀᴅ . . .
commit your way to the Lᴏʀᴅ . . .
be still before the Lᴏʀᴅ.

This is the character of our waiting — of the life of faith. It is thoroughly active. We are called to trust God. To really trust him. Not just on the sidelines, or in the books, or only in theory. But to trust him out there. We are to trust him and do good, which implies that our faith rolls up its sleeves and digs into this grimy earth. We trust God while the dirt of Adam’s world gets buried beneath our fingernails.

Active waiting. Not sitting-and-doing-nothing waiting.

So......what does that look like?

For me it has meant not waiting - literally. Not waiting until I'm married to cultivate serving and patience and humility in my life. Not waiting until I'm married to buy a house. Not waiting until I'm married to have hard conversations. Not waiting until I'm married to go on vacations.

And it's also meant waiting - literally. I don't know what the plan is for my life, so....I'm just waiting. And I'm doing the next thing. Do I really want to be in school again? No. I want to be married and home with kids. But that hasn't been in the plan up to this point. The Lord opens doors, and I do the next thing.

And I trust.

I'm single because it is for my good. I have relied on God more because of my singleness. I have trusted God more because of my singleness. I have loved God more because of my singleness. That's all for my good. Because God is acting.

Today is March 4th, and I've seen it stated "march forth" in a few places. I feel like that's in line with active waiting. I can't dwell on the disappointments I face because I'm single. I need to march forth. God is doing work in my life, and I need to trust that.

Another friend sent me an email with this gem: A relationship is a gift, but it is not THE gift - Jesus is! Whatever you are waiting for is not the gift, even when it feels like it is.

I have Jesus - the greatest gift. I have access to all of his power. Even while I wait. I pray that I will be married some day, but if I never am, my status as a saved daughter of the King will never change.

Like the disciples, I don't know what God's plan is. Like Mary, my life does not look like what I thought it would. But that's all in God's plan - just like it was for the disciples and for Mary. My life is full and richly blessed. And there is purpose in the waiting. God is acting on my behalf, and I will actively wait.

Loving the Life I Didn't Expect

Is there a better day to write a blog about being single than on Valentine's Day?? I think not.

The truth is that a version of this post (and what could be MANY posts) has been floating around in my mind for a LONG TIME. And I decided that if I don't start actually blogging about all my thoughts, they will escape my head never to return again. So, here we go.

Though the outline of this post started to solidify a few months ago, my trip to Hawaii really helped it all come together - mostly due to a book I read. More on that later.

I am currently dealing with a coin called REALITY. Here are the two sides:

Side A: Ten girls are friends in college. Statistics say that ten years from now at least one of them will not be married (I'm not going to look up these statistics, but any breathing person with a brain knows a version of this statistic is true). Fast forward ten years. I have become the girl in the group that didn't get married.

Side B: God isn't bound by odds. Just because I'm not married yet doesn't mean I will never be. "Statistics" don't matter much to the Creator of the Universe - He kinda does whatever He wants.

But the scale is tipping more toward the side where I won't be married. And even though marriage is what I really, really want......I have to trust - and KNOW - that if I don't get married, that is/was God's best plan for my life.

Huh. Not being married is God's best plan for my life. Weird.

That's the thought that I've been coming to terms with over the last few months. Until recently, I've never even entertained the thought that I wouldn't get married....it was just a matter of when. But now that thought is becoming more real. Up to this point in my life, God's best plan IS that I am NOT married. And I haven't always believed that the life I'm living is His best. I have thought my plan was better. I still think that my plan is better. So, in an effort to trust Him more, I've started to dwell on the truth that God's best plan for my life is that I am not married now......and may never be.

That thought makes me want to PUKE, to be honest. BUT it also forces me to look closely at all the blessings I've experienced BECAUSE of my singleness and the unique ways He has gifted me to serve ONLY in my singleness.

Okay, people. That was only the preface to this post. Things could get wordy here.......

I go back and forth on "accepting" that I may never be married. Some days I feel great about it and think of all the amazing ways I could use my single life to live for God. Other days I just want to lay in bed and dream about how wonderful it would be to be married.

One blessing of my single life is travel. I was gearing up for another fun trip to Hawaii with my sisters and I needed to download a free book to my Kindle. I keep a list of books I want to read, so I started plugging in the titles to see what I could download. Of the 30 titles I entered, only ONE of them was available: Revelations of A Single Woman: Loving the Life I Didn't Expect by Connally Gilliam. SERIOUSLY?!?! I just wanted a good beach-read. I wanted to put my thoughts and convictions about being single on the shelf for a week of VACATION and do whatever I WANTED! But God decided He needed to drive home a few points about singleness to me. So, because I'm cheap and didn't want to waste a free download, I let out a deep sigh and got the book.

It's the only book I read during the entire week of vacation (up until the flight home). I usually fly through eight or nine books, but this one had me reading slowly, thinking, digesting, and re-reading many parts. I was challenged and blessed by it. So many things she wrote resonated with me and put into words what I sometimes have a hard time expressing. In case you are interested, here are some parts that stood out to me:

“For her, however, [my singleness] was a small reminder that, contrary to what she was always tempted to believe, unmet desires are not necessarily divine punishment for a flaw. Sometimes, when we line it all up, life simply is not fair. More important, my friend continued, my unintended singleness made me more approachable, more human. As she experienced it, my disappointment was a chink in the armor of my personality that let more of my heart out and gave others something softer to grab on to.......I still think I could come up with roughly 153 alternative means for accomplishing this same heart-changing end......I knew, and still know, that she was right. My unintended singleness, in addition to giving me some humorous stories that help me entertain or bond with a willing audience, undeniably has changed the contours of my heart. In bringing me into all-too-tender touch with my inner (and outer) dork, for lack of a better term, I’ve grown kinder, and I’m glad for the change........“The question, of course, is how will you suffer? Will you suffer with bitterness or will you suffer prophetically?” O Lord, I don’t like how this sounds. “You see, your generation is experiencing the fallout of a culture profoundly confused about who God is and therefore about what it is to be human and what it is to love. Your relational disappointments and suffering are, sadly, emblematic of the age.”......It is worth considering this question of How then should I live? I’m not talking about asking How then shall I get a man? or How then should I explain my singleness? or even How then should I prepare for life alone? Those questions have some merit, but they are secondary. Rather, I’m talking about asking for your eyes to be opened to see what’s real and then learning how to move forward in reality, even if it’s wading one step at a time through periodic waves of tears.......For today I am called to be single. I cannot say about tomorrow. That is how I want to live: not anxiously asking why but simply looking for what is supposed to be for today........Sometimes I think that one of the primary works God has done in my life is to tenderize and enrich my heart through the “Why aren’t I married?” struggle - the suffering I still hesitate to call by that name for fear of others rolling their eyes. But instead of the disappointment leaving me a cold, bitter, angry wench or a hotly desperate man-eater, it’s wrought a heart more capable of and committed to giving and receiving love. That, in my estimation, is miracle-level material. And though anything might happen tomorrow, that is the work of God I’ve seen today.”

[Side note: I like how she uses the phrase "unintended singleness". I had never heard that before.] I do feel that extended singleness has made me more empathetic to other people's struggles that I might not have understood if I wasn't in the midst of a "struggle" that has eye-rolling potential. Does that make sense? My heart has changed, for the better, because I'm single.

These next thoughts came after a section in the book where she talked about fragmentation: that being single is being free of any formal ties that bind and leaves us with too many options and too many sets of friends that continue to marry or move, leaving us with the need of making, yet again, more friends.....to start the cycle over again. The comparison is that you are trying to quench your relational thirst by drinking out of a thousand Dixie cups when all you want is a deep well. You won't die of dehydration, but you just really want a constant well - someone to live all of life with, not just little sections here and there. She talked a lot about how sometimes your personality can even feel fragmented, and I can relate to that well (which is definitely not unique to single women). Interests in sports, quilting, baking, and half-marathons don't exactly fit together perfectly, but they are all 100% "me". So I find myself bouncing around from friend to friend, interest to interest, Dixie cup to Dixie cup...

[In response to the story of the Prodigal Son]: “It’s the Father. It’s the Father. It’s the Father. As I reflected on that story, I slowly began to realize, It’s the Father, stupid. And then it dawned on me - the Father knows that I’m part urban ministry worker, part debutante, and part granola chick, and that a lot of those parts - plus others - don’t fit together. The Father knows that good friends move away. The Father knows that family-free living can leave one too free an agent. The Father knows that committed communities fracture. The Father knows that the people around me are spinning in their crazy circles too. The Father knows that I’m drinking out of too many Dixie cups. The Father knows. But more than just knowing, he cares. That’s the wild part. He has compassion. He’s the one who runs out with a profoundly welcoming heart. He’s the one who gently reminds me of his presence and generosity. It leaves me speechless. Or wanting to cry. Or maybe to sing.”

I love the phrase "too free an agent". Being single can definitely feel that way, BUT the Father knows! And it's true - it makes me want to cry. Or sing. Or both. When I feel that my friends are moving on to the "next stage" in their lives to something better and leaving me behind....He knows. When I feel that my friends are moving away to live a life of purpose and I'm stuck in what can feel very purpose-less.....He knows. And cares. And pursues. And blesses.

Well, those are plenty of thoughts for one night.

Also, as I was driving today, on Valentine's Day, I was thinking about how God has been kind to remind me of the many people in my life who love me, even if I don't have a "romantic" love. Just in the last few days I've had an acquaintance at church who went out of her way to compliment something she observed from me on Sunday. Another guy at church encouraged me (in a not-weird way) that I am "a catch". Friends who spent the weekend at our house are thinking of someone to set me up with. A friend from my old small group sent me a very encouraging email today with verses she's been praying for me. A friend who moved to another continent still makes me laugh like no one else can and prays for me. I prayed specifically for a single girl who had a career, owned a home, enjoyed sports, and had other interests in common with me to start coming to our church and God answered my prayer. My sisters and my parents are the BEST BEST BEST.......and I could go on and on.

I certainly am blessed in my singleness. This is a life I didn't expect, but I (am learning to) love it.

With Thankfulness

I had another WONDERFUL Thanksgiving weekend at home. It wasn't a typical Thanksgiving (last year was more typical with lots of people home and lots of activity which prompted me to have a "stomach full; heart even more so"), but throughout the weekend I was reminded of the many things I've been thankful for throughout the year:

• Family: Even though my sisters weren't able to come home for Thanksgiving this year, we've had plenty of weekends together as a family recently. I'm blessed to have a family that I enjoy spending time with, and sisters who are also my friends. I'm grateful for generous, hospitable parents who put up with us, too!
• Health: A few weeks ago, Dad passed along an email that he described as "sobering". Indeed, it was. He had heard from a woman whose father was also fighting, and still is, a similar cancer to what Dad had. Her father is still receiving chemo each week and has cancer spread throughout his entire body. My sister and I just talked last night about another friend who feels that she may have her final Christmas with her mom coming up because of her mother's cancer diagnosis. In Dad's case, he has been in remission for two years and will have his final PET scan this month, as well as have his port removed (the device they use to administer chemo). Health is something that is often taken for granted until it is gone, but I'm continually grateful for Dad's health, and reminded to keep others who are struggling with health issues in my prayers. Also, since last Thanksgiving, both of my Grandmas have passed away. I'm thankful that they were healthy as long as they were and that I had the time with them that I did. I'm thankful for my Grandpa's health and for the time (like this past weekend) that I can spend with him.
• Singleness: Admittedly, being thankful for my singleness is a half-truth. This year has been one where I've resigned myself to the fact that I won't be the young wife and mother I always thought I would be, which is a difficult/sad reality in my eyes. But it's also been a year when I've tried to choose to not dwell on what I don't have, but what I do have. I have the freedom to travel (Europe and Hawaii this year) and spend time with my sisters, and the time and finances to find ways to bless others in a way that might not be possible when/if I get married and have kids. Making that choice to "take advantage" of my singleness is really why I started my year by writing out core values, and while I KNOW I still have room to improve in my thankfulness for being single, I really have experienced much grace in this area.

In addition to these "big" categories, I was also thankful for time last weekend to EAT, finish reading "The Help" (I recommend), SLEEP IN, watch good football games, work hard at Mom's craft show (though not hardly as hard as Mom worked), play games with my cousins.....etc, etc, etc.

Friendships

Friends and friendships have been on my mind lately. I thought I had started a post about friendships another time, and I found it in my drafts from last August! So maybe summer is a time when I end up evaluating my friendships for some reason, but nonetheless, here are some thoughts I've been kicking around..... (warning: lengthy post with lots of links about to commence....)

I am clearly in a different stage of life than most of my close friends. When they entered marriage and I was still single I was in a different stage, but now the gap has widened more with children. And as those children become toddlers and even more kids are added to the mix, I feel the gap spread further.

I completely ADORE my friends kids, and I'm so thankful that I get to babysit, hang out, and egg them on just a little during some dinners. I feel very strongly that even though I'm not investing in my own marriage right now, I can use the extra time I have to babysit and allow my friends the time to invest in their marriages. I love watching my friends learn to parent and I actually don't mind the discussions about sleep schedules, eating habits, and how to discipline. But the fact remains that I'm still single and that life (having kids) is not my life (as much as I would like it to be).

So when I read this article, I resonated with a lot of what she wrote. These friendships aren't going to come as naturally anymore. We aren't living together at college. We aren't taking the same classes. We aren't living in the same city in some cases. Here are a few paragraphs that I thought were awesome:

While this social divide is understandable, it certainly isn't biblical. In the early church, believers didn't distinguish between marrieds and singles; they simply lived in community and "gave to anyone as he had need" (Acts 2:45). God intends his church to unite despite the many cultural differences separating it: There "should be no division in the body, but … its parts should have equal concern for each other" (1 Corinthians 12:25).

To follow this biblical pattern, my married friends and I had to push through obstacles that would have robbed us of treasured relationships. While I wanted to draw close to these dear souls, at the same time I wanted to withdraw from them to avoid facing what I didn't have: a husband, children, and a seemingly endless social circle. I wrestled with an internal tug-of-war between opposing inclinations: I want to be with you—I can't bear to be with you. I loved the friends, but hated the painful reminders. So I had to make intentional choices not to run away from married friends.

And they had to figure out how to fit me into their ever-changing social structure. Significant life transitions, such as marrying, having a first baby, and then having multiple children, challenged our relational dynamic. With each transition, my friends' social circles and extended family widened, leaving us fewer opportunities to spend time together.

She also gives practical advice on how to keep and create friendships that bridge that "aisle" (look for commonalities, check your attitude, make compromises, maintain open communication, consider sensitive issues). I STRONGLY encourage you to read this article if you are in this type of friendship (on either the married or the single side).

I especially appreciated the advice she had to offer on maintaining open communication. This is an area where I am surprisingly deficient. Why am I so hesitant to tell my closest friends what I am really feeling (about our friendship or otherwise)? This only makes me feel more isolated, and that's not healthy. I think part of it is acknowledging that neither of us completely understands the others' situation (they've never been "extendedly" single, and I've never been married with kids) while understanding that we still want to be there for each other. An interesting landscape to traverse.

I'm so grateful for the time my married friends and friends with children make for me (especially when I read an article like this which reminds me how draining their days are), but I do sometimes fall into a funk of wishing it was different. Wishing I was invited on couples' nights (that was a huge struggle for me in college), wishing I was someone's best friend, wishing I could attend play dates with all the kids (and my own). But that's just not how things are, and that is wasted time feeling sorry for myself. When I read this series on friendships, I was reminded of two things: to not be jealous [#2 - Don't be clingy] (I've had jealous friends before, and that is not becoming of anyone), and to recognize that friends will fail you [#5]. I shouldn't be so quick to be offended when a friend "fails" me. I'm more than sure that I've failed them before! Only Jesus never fails, so it is important for me to remember that my hope is not in my friends (the number, the quality, the depth, etc) - my hope is in Jesus.

When my friends first started getting married I remember that I would constantly think (if not just say out loud) "I need more single friends, I need more single friends!" I didn't want to feel like I was the only single person, because I knew that I wasn't - but I just happened to be friends with all of the girls who got married! I'm glad that in the last few years more single girls have been coming to my church, so I have gotten to know some of them better. My AP and I have been forced into a fast friendship, based on the nature of how quickly you get to know someone when you are confessing sin, encouraging one another, and pointing out areas of strength and weakness. Though we've never actually said these exact words to each other, I think she and I are trying to operate more and more under this type of relationship (taken from this article):

"I know that this sounds crazy but I really trust you and value your perspective. So I want to invite you to share things with me that will be difficult for me to hear. When (not if) you see sin in my life that you don't think that I'm aware of, please point it out to me. When (not if) you see me making mistakes with my kids or my spouse, please tell me. Everything is fair game. Nothing is off limits.

I wish that I could promise that I would immediately respond with humility and repentance but that might not always be true. But I will promise that I won't hold your comments against you and let it ruin our friendship. I want you to know that I will see your willingness to say hard things to me as a sign that you are a real friend and not an enemy giving false or superficial praise."

I think as a single person you receive a lot of superficial (if not completely generic) praise: "I can't believe you're still single!" "How has no one snatched you up yet?" "Those guys don't know what they're missing!" I'm finding it more and more important to have the kinds of friends who tell you what they really see going on in your life, good or bad, and specifically. I think those kinds of friendships prepare me more for that type of openness and honesty with the future husband I hope is out there somewhere.

There is more I want to say on this topic (possibly something about the types of friends you should have, and how you have to be the kind of friend you want to have......), but I've said plenty. I'm glad to get some of this down on "paper" and I'd love to hear your thoughts on how you "bridge the divide" with your married friends (for you singles) and your single friends (for you marrieds). And if you are married and you've never given this topic any thought, I guarantee your single friends have, and they might love if you opened up that conversation with them!

What Do I Want?

Every now and then someone asks me what I am looking for in a guy. I never know how to answer that question, and it makes me feel dumb that I can't. I think it's good to have an idea of what you are looking for, but I also think it's dangerous to get stuck in a list mentality where you might exclude a possible match because he doesn't fit exactly into your requirement #5. So, I do have an idea, and going on good and bad dates has helped shape that idea, but I'm still a little clueless as to how to answer the question "What do you want in a guy?". I was watching 30 Rock the other night and Liz Lemon answered the question of what she wants with some specifics:

"I'll tell you what I want. I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. I want someone who likes musicals but knows to just shut his mouth when I'm watching Lost. I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks as needed, like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms like a Disney prince. And I want him to genuinely like me, even when I'm old. And that's what I want."

I'll probably never answer that question with a list of specifics like this, but it made me smile. Especially the part about taking forks out of the dishwasher as needed. Just sayin'.

Expectations

Thank you, Laura, for sharing some insight I needed to hear (from the book Journaling as a Spiritual Practice by Helen Cepero).

"Understanding the difference between hope and expectations is critical if we are to allow our future to be shaped by God. Hope longs for good but is able to be flexible about how that good might appear. Expectation grasps at solutions and becomes easily attached to outcomes. When we are hopeful, our imagination and creativity flourish. But when we are locked in expectations, it is easy to turn our picture of the possible future into an idol." (page 87)

I have lots of thoughts on this, but mostly it revolves around how I expected to be married by now, maybe even have a baby. I'm easily attached to that as the outcome I wanted. I still hope for that, but maybe I'm still expecting it.

Patience, People

(I came across this post from November in my drafts this morning, and I still think I can learn from some of my thoughts in it, so I decided to post it, even though it's rather old)

I have really grown in my patience over the last few years, but I still have a long way to go. I got a good reminder of why I need to grow my patience this last week at Bible study: because the Lord is extremely patience with us, and I need to strive to be more like God.

The Lord’s patience is what really stood out to me while learning about Gideon. When Gideon was told he needed to save Israel from the Midianites, he doubted he was able to. So the Lord reassured him. But Gideon was still skeptical. So he tested the Lord. Gideon asked him to make his fleece wet and the ground around it dry. You start to think “ummm..Gideon. This is the Lord. You probably shouldn’t test him. You should probably trust Him.” But the Lord made the fleece wet and that was that. OR NOT. Gideon tests the Lord AGAIN. This is the part of the story where I start shaking my head and saying “nononononononononono, Gideon….Don’t test the Lord again! Just go with it! He will equip you!” This time Gideon wanted the fleece dry and the ground wet, and the Lord proved again that He would do as He promised.

This story also caused me to think about what things in my life I feel like I need God to prove for me (i.e. what do I feel like I need to lay a fleece out for). What things has God asked me to do but I have politely ignored him, thinking “that must not be right”. Or thinking “well, THAT’S impossible….I’ll wait for a sign.”

So, as I was thinking about the patience I’ve accrued in the last few years, it mostly has to do with day-to-day stuff. I’m used to waiting in lines, waiting in traffic, etc, thanks to my job, so things like that don’t raise my blood pressure anymore and I don’t (always) operate very sinfully when my minute-to-minute patience is being tested. But…..big picture things are another story. As my friends celebrate their fifth (!) wedding anniversaries and as I attend their children’s first and second birthday parties, I realize how impatient I am with my singleness. I see how patiently the Lord has delt with Gideon, and with Israel in general (for crying out loud), and with me (for goodness sake), so I will continue to strive for more and more patience. And trust, even though I have no fleece to lay out.

Brain Unload

I have many very random things on my mind after a weekend where I spent much of my time in bed sick. I went through my Reader this weekend and realized that I had over 60 "starred items" that I had wanted to get back to at some point: either to read through again, comment about on my blog, etc. Don't worry, I won't share all 60 items in this post, but I will play a little catch-up with a post that has a little to do with everything on mind (from "starred items" to "Life in General").

So here, in no particular order, is my brain unload:

• Last Sunday a friend and I decided to hold each other accountable to losing 20 pounds by my birthday (we decided on that because it was 19 weeks away, so one pound/week). This Sunday I had lunch with her and I had already completely forgotten about our decision. So...apparently I wasn't thinking about it much over the last week. Oops. I needed to write it down somewhere to make it more real for myself - so there it is. Now I have to actually do it. Ugh.
• Why do I have 14 socks that have no matches? I FINALLY did laundry today (hadn't done it since I got back from my trip....) and I ended up putting ANOTHER sock in my basket of no-matches. Annoying.
• I went to the grocery store today for the first time in 2010. Not kidding. I'm also not kidding when I say that I only went because I was tagging-along to spend some time with a friend. I keep thinking that it's useless to buy groceries when I'm about to go on a trip, so I just don't buy any. Needless to say, my eating habits have been less-than-healthy. Need to change that when I get back from Lithuania.
• The Olympics started. I mentioned the last time the Olympics came around how I don't seem to get as excited about them as other people do (especially the Winter Olympics). But again, I was in bed a lot this weekend, and I happened to be watching when a Canadian won the mogul race (Canada's first ever gold medal won in an Olympics held in Canada) and then talked about his handicapped brother who motivates him to do his best. I cried (of course). I was hooked.
• I signed up for a free program at my gym where you wore a pedometer for a week, turned it in, and would receive a gift. After I sent in the pedometer, I forgot about the mystery gift that was on it's way, so imagine my surprise when I opened a box a few weeks later and found this:
A shirt, a towel, a bag, a water bottle, etc. The water bottle is AWESOME and probably worth at least $15, so I was pretty pumped I got it all for free. Too bad I already lost the water bottle. I used it at least once for both tennis and basketball, but I have no idea where it is now. Scatterbrain.

• I meant to put a picture on here of a cake I made for a friend's birthday, so here it is:
I got the idea online somewhere. It turned out pretty good!

• I mentioned that I was having a funky attitude last week, mostly having to do with being single, etc. I was reminded how unpredictable and hard relationships can be when I read this article about a couple I've been "blog stalking" for....maybe two years? I'm always encouraged by the grace, wisdom, honesty, and humility I see displayed in their lives. They have an incredible story, and an incredibly hard story. Their faith is so encouraging to me.
• There was a little Super Bowl Ad that generated a lot of publicity even before it was shown. I was reminded of a moment when I was watching ESPN from a treadmill at the gym and I almost started crying. Here's a news clip about the moment that I was reminded of during all the hype over that ad:
  
  
• So. The Vikings lost. I was really bummed, but it's not the end of the world. Sports have been a big part of my life and I'm extremely thankful for that, but I always want to make sure that I don't have the wrong priorities when it comes to sports. I liked a lot of the points about sports and faith in this article, so I wanted to link to it. That's all.
• Time. I think I need to rethink how I spend my time. Two quotes that have me thinking about time: "The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence, the grass is greener where you water it." (Anonymous?) and "The primary reason we do too much is that we have never taken the time to discover the portion of what we do that makes the biggest difference." (Andy Stanley). Hmmmmm.
• This video made me cry
  

Okay. That's PLENTY. Brain unloaded. Time to focus on work for the week and get going to LITHUANIA!

One Single Sermon

I listened to a sermon on singleness this weekend, and after reading through my notes again, it is quickly becoming one of my favorite sermons on singleness. It was titled "Courtship Shmourtship" and it was given by the man who literally "wrote the book" on courting.

I think it is good to listen to many (wise) points of view on dating and courtship because I am certain that there is no ONE "right" way to go about dating, but there are also things to be aware of in order to avoid many of the "wrong" things there are about dating...does that make sense?......so I like to hear what people think about this whole dating and relationship thing.

And the first thing that caught my attention about this sermon was that he was preaching from the set of verses I chose for my core values. [Remember months ago (it was so long ago I can't even find my own post on it) when I was going to get around to telling you what my core values are.....yeah.....I'll get to it......]

If you are single, I would recommend you listen to the sermon (and possibly the second sermon in the series, which I have yet to listen to). If you aren't single, I will just share some of my favorite things I took away from the sermon (paraphrased).

A better problem for men to have is to adjust the context of pursuing someone than to pursue no one at all. Women: let men be your brothers and don’t assume there is more than friendship unless he actually STATES IT with his MOUTH.....in ENGLISH.........TO YOU. Not “he sorta kinda told me in winky language that he liked me”. This is not the place to get a word from the Lord, a word from him is more helpful.

Let the men in the church be brothers to the women in the church. If you feel that there is a lack of forthrightness and communication, women don’t have to keep entertaining that time – there is a point when a certain level of time and attention makes it hard to understand where that interest comes from, and women can let the men know that. Don’t read into it – and that’s for everyone in the church, too. If you see a friendship growing, don’t ask the girl where it is going – she is trying to let the guy lead in the relationship and it isn’t helpful to ask her about it! Let friendship grow naturally.

A single woman should not have to have a boyfriend to feel cherished and cared for in the family of God. (walking to car, drawing her out in conversation, etc) But what about guarding heart? Men’s care should be consistent for all single women so there won't be confusion. Sisters in your life should have total confidence that if you have interest, you will make that clear and there won’t be a vague relationship for an extended period of time.

We do need to guard our heart from sinful desires and being led astray. We don’t accept what the world says to follow our hearts. This shouldn’t become a self focused attempt to avoid EVER being disappointed. Don’t run away from relationships the moment you feel attraction – God can help you process that in a healthy way. Don’t cut yourself off from the good gifts of fellowship and friendship that God has for us. Don’t flee any disappointment: we don't need a life free of disappointment, but a life filled with faith. God will help us in those moments.

The Singleness Cliche

[Disclaimer: This post is a bit more….snarky….than most I post, so I hesitate, but I think I will post it anyway and I hope it comes across with the same humor I mean it to, and not bitterness, because that is not what I intend….is that disclaimer enough?........]

Let me introduce myself: I’m the singleness cliché. I come in many versions, but one thing is consistent: I’m annoying. Whether it’s “Have you prayed about it?” or “As soon as you stop wanting a relationship, you will get one” or “God will give you a husband when you are ready” or “I can’t believe you haven’t been snatched up yet”, I’m not particularly helpful.

I’m pretty sure I’m mostly uttered by married people who have no idea what to say to a single person who is really struggling, so they just say something that they heard when they were single and they’ve forgotten how exasperating I am. The worst thing about me is that behind the annoying sayings, there’s probably something truthful in what I’m saying. But ultimately I become like that song on the radio that’s played so many times you just can’t stand it and turn the station whenever it comes on. Even if there is good meaning behind the lyrics, you are so fed up with the beat and the presentation that you don’t stick around to glean anything from me.

So instead of asking “Have you prayed about it?” [because, YES, they have prayed about it. Plus, this question comes from “The Big Book of DUH Questions” which also includes the question “Do you love your kids?”], ask “How can I pray for you?” or “What are you struggling with this week?” Instead of saying “God will give you a husband when you are ready”, you might ask what areas that single person is working on to develop more holiness (while keeping in mind that there is certainly no “ready” or particular checklist to accomplish before marriage is possible or ordained). And PLEASE STOP saying that as soon as you stop wanting a relationship, you will get one. A desire for a relationship is not wrong, but you might want to help that single person to make sure a relationship is not becoming an idol. But really – don’t tell them to suppress a desire of their heart!

Because it’s more than just loneliness with those singles. There’s laziness, worry, lust, lack of trust, discontentment, and anger. Not everyone struggles with everything on this list, and this list is also not comprehensive, but it’s a start. And these issues can’t really be addressed with just a cliché. There are singles out there who want to learn from people who are married. They want to play with your kids. They want you to proactively seek out and evaluate potential mates for them, but they do not want to hear any more from me: the singleness cliché!

So, as the singleness cliché, I encourage you to reach out to a single person this week. Try not to use me. This might take a little extra effort on your part. That single person might not have as much in common with your life circumstances as your other friends at MOPS, but I bet there are things you can connect on other than the stage of life you are in. My guess is that singles really look up to you and would love the chance to learn from you, be prayed for by you, and pray for you as well. Just a guess.

Homework

Two events occurred in the last two years, accompanied by various thoughts and convictions here and there, which have led me to a massive stack of "homework".

I'm finally committing myself to coming up with, defining, and writing out my core values. What defines me. What do I want to "be about". Spiritually, that is.

Event One: I was in a wedding where the gift the bride gave us was a verse (or verses) that she chose for us based on our character and personalities. Can I just say I thought that was the greatest gift!? Especially since each one of the passages she chose had great thought put into it and personal meaning. I've never had a "life verse" that I've claimed (and I've never wanted to, for many reasons, but that is an entirely different post...) but now I have changed my thinking some, and I have been struck by the passage I was given so much in the last year and a half, that it is now my "life verse". More on this in a moment...

Event Two: I was at a friend's house for a party a few months back and I saw this cute frame thing with different words and beautiful pictures in it. I made a comment on it and she informed me that the words were the core values that she and her husband had chosen for themselves. I was like, "COOL!" I loved it. And the things they chose were very appropriate for what they believe and how they live. I started to think that I would love to do that one day if I get married.

"If I get married..."....."when I get married...." It's a phrase that gets tagged onto a lot of thoughts and statements when you are in the "limbo-single-stage". I've read some encouragement to NOT live with the mindset to put things off until marriage comes, because there is no guarantee it will ever come. So DON'T wait to cultivate godly femininity, DON'T wait to practice your spiritual gifts, DON'T wait to be involved in a church/ministry....etc. So I said to myself, "DON'T wait to do your core values!"

But I don't want to just put some words down on a piece of paper and be satisfied that I've made another list. Instead I really wanted to put thought and study into my core values and be convicted with what I want my life to represent.

I kept coming back to the passage I was given as a basis for my core values. Separately, I came up with some values that I wanted to think about as being my core values. I narrowed that list down as far as I could and came up with seven words. Then I started to look at my passage of scripture and match up phrases with the words I chose. I wasn't going in any order at all and I was just picking and choosing phrases at random, and wouldn't you know, every phrase from the passage of scripture was taken when I got through my list of seven values. So I thought that was cool. When I started that process, I sorta thought I might like to narrow it down to only five values, but now I feel very happy to have seven.

And now I want to do more study on the passage I've chosen before I get into the definition and writing of my core values. Which is where the "homework" comes in. I will read some commentaries and listen to sermons. I went to the Desiring God site to look up sermons on my passage (which is only five verses long) and found THIRTEEN sermons. So that pretty much gives away the fact that my passage is in Romans.

I wanted to have this all done by my birthday, which I am now realizing won't happen, but I wanted to blog about this so that I have at least a little accountability and urgency to get this accomplished soonly.

So, stay tuned for what my life verses and core values are!

To My Marrieds

I have a message to send out to my married friends/readers.

I almost completely forgot to post about this. I think we were talking about dating or something of the sort at the garage sale a few weeks ago and I was reminded of a post about married people setting singles up, so I said I would link to it here. I was then reminded about that conversation today when I came across this scorecard about surviving church as a single at Stuff Christians Like. (In case you're wondering, I stopped counting when my score reached 1000 points. Not kidding. Okay, maybe kidding a little. But just a little.)

Truly, most of my friends are married. So that means we are in very different seasons of life (especially for those now having kids). But I’m thankful that some of those friendships are still close, and I am able to seek advice and prayer from those friends when it comes to dating and relationships (Side note: I heard someone (who I kinda respect) on the radio today give advice to a pregnant woman that she shouldn't be friends with a single friend anymore since they really won't have much in common once she has her baby. I basically almost cried.).

Thing is, I often think WHERE IN THE WORLD AM I GOING TO MEET SOMEONE!?!?! That is where my marrieds come into play. Married people know some single people, don’t they? They know me, anyway! That’s a start! Maybe they know my future husband!

So, if you’re interested, read this advice on "The Set Up" (or just read the few parts I have at the end of this post) and see what you can do. Not just for me, but for all of your single friends. But for me, too. Just sayin’.

And remember, just because two people are Christians doesn’t mean they necessarily have anything else in common or are a good match. Again, just sayin’. I’ve had some STRANGE first dates and I would like to avoid that in the future.

I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that dating (especially the first date/s part) is completely tedious, stressful, and awkward. But as a good friend of mine told me, “Dating is awkward, but so is becoming the crazy cat lady”. So there's that. No matter how awkward dating is, I want to avoid being the crazy cat lady!

Here are my favorite parts of Carolyn McCulley's post on "The Set Up":

Please know the difference between being a busybody with a self-appointed agenda to "fix" every single person and a friend who truly believes God can use you to network on behalf of your single friends. The difference often lies in how much prayer you put into the situation and how discerning you are. Do not force two otherwise-incompatible people to meet simply because they are single, of the opposite gender, and they show up in church occasionally. Please consider mutual interests, energies, temperaments, and shared outlooks....I urge married women to enlist their husbands in the cause. They are the secret weapon of single women everywhere, for no one can envision a single man for marriage quite like a married man can.

Some practical tips: Invite your "targets" and some other people to your home or other outing for a group event. Don't tell the woman what you are doing. Just let her be herself. There's no point in stirring up her hopes if the man is not going to initiate. But feel free to tell the man that you've invited a woman he might enjoy meeting. Talk her up a bit, but not too much. Don't make him feel the pressure--just get him thinking about it. Whatever you do, try your hardest not to make everyone revert back to middle school. And avoid the blind date at all cost, unless your "targets" think blind dates are preferable (you should know their opinions here). You are introducing friends, that's all. So keep it chill.

Now to the "targets." Of course, you know that you never have to accept such overtures. However, I would urge all of us to examine our hearts before we respond. What are our motives for accepting or declining? Are we thinking too highly of ourselves and too poorly of others? Are we unwilling to invest a few hours in meeting another person rescued and loved by Christ? Do we have an unyielding expectation of how God should provide a mate for us? And have we possibly contorted the feminine role of joyful response into a lethargic passivity? I paint that with a broad brush, but I do want to caution us from swinging to extremes. When it comes to relationships, we have to show up. And more than show up, we have to be willing to make an investment and participate.

Pollyanna

Two Saturdays ago, I was bounding around the house, excited and nervous to go on a walk with a boy.

My roommate had a friend over who made a comment about me (that I didn't hear) to which my roommate responded "Oh, I forgot to tell you. I live with Pollyanna."

"HUH? What is that supposed to mean?!", I said.

My roommate replied, "Oh, it's a compliment! I just meant that you are so optimistic and hopeful."

Whew. That's not so bad. I was thinking that I was really annoying my roommate and she wasn't telling me!

I'm thankful that I am still optimistic and hopeful about dating. True, I've never dated anyone, so I've never been really "hurt" - which definitely helps with the optimism, I suppose.

But it has been two weeks and he hasn't called. I don't care how optimistic I am - he isn't going to call.

Even Pollyanna knows that.

Follow Up

I've gotten some great suggestions from my post on how to grocery shop for one.

I remember reading Jenna's post about green bags months ago and thinking "oh, I should try those". Still haven't tried them, but it seems like they are worth a try.

Kristie gave many pieces of great advice in response to my post. Menu planning is one area that I can really improve in! I just feel like my schedule is so flexible (one of the definite advantages of being single!) so I never really know what meals I will actually have to plan for. But I really can do a better job and that should help me to grocery shop. And yes, eggs in packs of 6 are my favorite! I actually say "YES!" out loud in the grocery store when I find them!

Another thing I didn't mention that has been AWESOME for me this month is Let's Dish. Hannah's sister invited me to come to her Let's Dish party earlier this month and I thought I would give it a try. I made 4 meals which I then split in half (each original meal makes 6 servings) and froze. The meals are very tasty, they are portion-controlled (I usually get a dinner and a lunch of leftovers out of the 3 servings I cook) and it is less expensive than a fast food meal. And much healthier! I love that I just need to pull the meal out of the freezer in the morning and it is ready to cook when I come home from work. Hardly any mess and NO wasted food or ingredients! So, if you have the freezer space, I would recommend it (even for couples - you can do the split meals as well, but you just won't have leftovers).

So, thanks for the input!

Can't Eat Fast Enough

I've been single for awhile (if you consider "my whole entire life" to be "awhile") and I still have no idea how to go about grocery shopping.

I cannot eat the food I buy before it goes bad. For instance, there is no way I will eat an entire loaf of bread before it grows mold, so I stopped buying it. I tried keeping it in the freezer, but I run out of room and I get sick of toasting it every time I want to eat it. So. No more bread. And eggs. I like to have eggs on hand in case I get the urge to make cookies. But I seriously don't eat a dozen eggs in....months! I think eggs do last for a long time, but sometimes I don't know how long, so I just toss them (someone just informed me of the "float rule" this week, so that should help). Also, MILK. ALL of the milk I buy goes bad. I would just buy a quart, and even THAT would go bad before I could drink it all, so now I just buy the single serving things from the gas station. Lame. Even those go bad sometimes.



And today I found this:

Okay, this onion had NOTHING GROWING OUT OF IT WHEN I BOUGHT IT! So over the course of however long (seriously can't remember when I bought it...) the onion grew....whatever that is. And now I'm not sure if the onion is actually "bad" or not, but I refuse to eat it. So. More wasted food. And I hate wasting food! (The other scary thing is that I haven't even noticed that something was growing on it until it got that large....gross)

I think part of the problem is that the home I grew up in doubled as a catering business, so we bought absolutely EVERYTHING in bulk. Because, you know, when my mom cooked and baked, she was cooking and baking for a couple hundred people (a couple times a day).

There probably is a great way to shop for food when you are single, but I just don't know it. So if you do, please enlighten me! And DON'T tell me to buy all those things that are packaged as single servings or whatever because that is a serious waste of money and all you are paying for is packaging.

Okay. End of rant.

Alone, But Not Lonely

The following quote got me thinking:

"I am no more lonely than a single mullein or dandelion in a pasture, or a bean leaf, or sorrel, or a horse-fly, or a bumblebee. I am no more lonely than the Mill Brook, or a weathercock, or the north star, or the south wind, or an April shower, or a January thaw, or the first spider in a new house." -Henry David Thoreau

Fact: I am alone. This weekend I went to three Christmas parties...alone. I went to church...alone. I went to small group...alone. I watched the end of the Vikings game...alone.

Fact: I am not lonely. This weekend I went to three Christmas parties! On Sunday I had Welcome Team at church, small group, and I watched the Vikings! It was a full weekend.

The problem is that sometimes I feel lonely. I know, it doesn't make sense. Objectively I am not lonely - I have a lot to do, and I have a lot of people in my life. But feelings are weird like that. I know very beautiful women who feel ugly; thin women who feel fat; smart women who feel stupid. If you let them, feelings will take over. And feelings are not always right.

When these feelings start to creep in, it is important to think about the (capital T) Truth. Feelings are fickle (the Truth isn't). Feelings are deceptive (the Truth isn't).

Most importantly, feelings change (the Truth doesn't). So when I feel lonely, I remind myself that my feeling is subjective and is not really true.

I've never really had a problem doing things on my own - I'm pretty independent in that way. In fact, I usually prefer to do things on my own (it's much more efficient). But the older I get and the more I desire to be in a relationship, the more I notice that I come and go alone.

Alone, but not lonely.

Only recently has my loneliness started to matter more to me. And that's because I start to dwell on it more than on the Truth. So if I can capture those thoughts (feelings) more effectively, it will do a world of good.

Waiting For A Man

If you see me driving my new car, you’ll notice that I have yet to put the license plates on it.

Because the last thing I want to do is be outside in this weather, close to the ground, using a screwdriver (a size I’m not sure I own anyway), putting the license plates on.

It’s not that I can’t do it; it’s that I don’t want to do it. In my mind, it’s a man’s job.

If I had a man in my life I would smile sweetly at him and ask him if he could please do me a favor and put my license plates on. It would only take five minutes.

It would also only take me five minutes, but again, I don’t want to.

On the other hand, I also didn’t want to fix the leaky faucet last week, shovel the sidewalks yesterday, scrape off my car every morning, and take the trash out. Because those are man’s jobs. I’m realizing now how spoiled I was in high school when Dad scraped my windshield everyday (and even started up my car most days). And not that every man does these chores for their women (I could hardly believe it when a married friend of mine said that she shovels the sidewalks! The look I gave her must have screamed “get your MAN to do that!”), but these are the chores that totally annoy me and I would love for a man to take care of.

So, in protest of being single, I refuse to put my license plates on. Wait – can I get a ticket for that?

*SIGH*

Well, I’m going to hold out at least one more week for a man….