Friendships

Friends and friendships have been on my mind lately. I thought I had started a post about friendships another time, and I found it in my drafts from last August! So maybe summer is a time when I end up evaluating my friendships for some reason, but nonetheless, here are some thoughts I've been kicking around..... (warning: lengthy post with lots of links about to commence....)

I am clearly in a different stage of life than most of my close friends. When they entered marriage and I was still single I was in a different stage, but now the gap has widened more with children. And as those children become toddlers and even more kids are added to the mix, I feel the gap spread further.

I completely ADORE my friends kids, and I'm so thankful that I get to babysit, hang out, and egg them on just a little during some dinners. I feel very strongly that even though I'm not investing in my own marriage right now, I can use the extra time I have to babysit and allow my friends the time to invest in their marriages. I love watching my friends learn to parent and I actually don't mind the discussions about sleep schedules, eating habits, and how to discipline. But the fact remains that I'm still single and that life (having kids) is not my life (as much as I would like it to be).

So when I read this article, I resonated with a lot of what she wrote. These friendships aren't going to come as naturally anymore. We aren't living together at college. We aren't taking the same classes. We aren't living in the same city in some cases. Here are a few paragraphs that I thought were awesome:

While this social divide is understandable, it certainly isn't biblical. In the early church, believers didn't distinguish between marrieds and singles; they simply lived in community and "gave to anyone as he had need" (Acts 2:45). God intends his church to unite despite the many cultural differences separating it: There "should be no division in the body, but … its parts should have equal concern for each other" (1 Corinthians 12:25).

To follow this biblical pattern, my married friends and I had to push through obstacles that would have robbed us of treasured relationships. While I wanted to draw close to these dear souls, at the same time I wanted to withdraw from them to avoid facing what I didn't have: a husband, children, and a seemingly endless social circle. I wrestled with an internal tug-of-war between opposing inclinations: I want to be with you—I can't bear to be with you. I loved the friends, but hated the painful reminders. So I had to make intentional choices not to run away from married friends.

And they had to figure out how to fit me into their ever-changing social structure. Significant life transitions, such as marrying, having a first baby, and then having multiple children, challenged our relational dynamic. With each transition, my friends' social circles and extended family widened, leaving us fewer opportunities to spend time together.

She also gives practical advice on how to keep and create friendships that bridge that "aisle" (look for commonalities, check your attitude, make compromises, maintain open communication, consider sensitive issues). I STRONGLY encourage you to read this article if you are in this type of friendship (on either the married or the single side).

I especially appreciated the advice she had to offer on maintaining open communication. This is an area where I am surprisingly deficient. Why am I so hesitant to tell my closest friends what I am really feeling (about our friendship or otherwise)? This only makes me feel more isolated, and that's not healthy. I think part of it is acknowledging that neither of us completely understands the others' situation (they've never been "extendedly" single, and I've never been married with kids) while understanding that we still want to be there for each other. An interesting landscape to traverse.

I'm so grateful for the time my married friends and friends with children make for me (especially when I read an article like this which reminds me how draining their days are), but I do sometimes fall into a funk of wishing it was different. Wishing I was invited on couples' nights (that was a huge struggle for me in college), wishing I was someone's best friend, wishing I could attend play dates with all the kids (and my own). But that's just not how things are, and that is wasted time feeling sorry for myself. When I read this series on friendships, I was reminded of two things: to not be jealous [#2 - Don't be clingy] (I've had jealous friends before, and that is not becoming of anyone), and to recognize that friends will fail you [#5]. I shouldn't be so quick to be offended when a friend "fails" me. I'm more than sure that I've failed them before! Only Jesus never fails, so it is important for me to remember that my hope is not in my friends (the number, the quality, the depth, etc) - my hope is in Jesus.

When my friends first started getting married I remember that I would constantly think (if not just say out loud) "I need more single friends, I need more single friends!" I didn't want to feel like I was the only single person, because I knew that I wasn't - but I just happened to be friends with all of the girls who got married! I'm glad that in the last few years more single girls have been coming to my church, so I have gotten to know some of them better. My AP and I have been forced into a fast friendship, based on the nature of how quickly you get to know someone when you are confessing sin, encouraging one another, and pointing out areas of strength and weakness. Though we've never actually said these exact words to each other, I think she and I are trying to operate more and more under this type of relationship (taken from this article):

"I know that this sounds crazy but I really trust you and value your perspective. So I want to invite you to share things with me that will be difficult for me to hear. When (not if) you see sin in my life that you don't think that I'm aware of, please point it out to me. When (not if) you see me making mistakes with my kids or my spouse, please tell me. Everything is fair game. Nothing is off limits.

I wish that I could promise that I would immediately respond with humility and repentance but that might not always be true. But I will promise that I won't hold your comments against you and let it ruin our friendship. I want you to know that I will see your willingness to say hard things to me as a sign that you are a real friend and not an enemy giving false or superficial praise."

I think as a single person you receive a lot of superficial (if not completely generic) praise: "I can't believe you're still single!" "How has no one snatched you up yet?" "Those guys don't know what they're missing!" I'm finding it more and more important to have the kinds of friends who tell you what they really see going on in your life, good or bad, and specifically. I think those kinds of friendships prepare me more for that type of openness and honesty with the future husband I hope is out there somewhere.

There is more I want to say on this topic (possibly something about the types of friends you should have, and how you have to be the kind of friend you want to have......), but I've said plenty. I'm glad to get some of this down on "paper" and I'd love to hear your thoughts on how you "bridge the divide" with your married friends (for you singles) and your single friends (for you marrieds). And if you are married and you've never given this topic any thought, I guarantee your single friends have, and they might love if you opened up that conversation with them!