Blessings and Sadness

I spent most of Sunday crying. (I swear I'll try to post some funny and not-so-weepy things here soon, sorry!) Our church has been growing and growing, which means that small groups need to grow and change, as well. I've been in the same small group for almost five years, so I've been sheltered from most of these changes, though I have been sad to see some friends move into different groups as our group became too large. BUT. Now I am the friend who is moving to a new group.

You see, mostly I haven't been moved because I've DUG MY NAILS into the sides of my small group leader's wife and refused to go anywhere else. She is AMAZING. She is humble and honest (two things I am not very good at) and has been an incredible mentor to me over the last five years. She is SO "steady", whereas I'm an emotional roller coaster. As soon as I knew that I was going to be moved, I was really sad, but also excited to get to know a new group of people. But then Sunday rolled around (our final small group meeting) and I was just sad, sad, sad. I started to realize how much I've taken for granted this wonderful mentor I've had and all that she has walked me through - difficult job situations, grieving over close friends moving away, confusing boy situations, moving to Wisconsin, tense relationships with friends....etc, etc, etc. She has wisdom and sound advice in every area and I will so miss turning to her for things like this (not that I never will, but now I have a new small group leader to turn to).

Another woman who is also moving to a different small group was also crying on Sunday and shared something along these lines: "It's really good that leaving this group is so hard. It means that we have been so blessed while we've been in this group. If it wasn't hard to leave, that would mean that we don't care." That really resonated with me. Not everyone has such great care and prayer from their church family. So even though it is very sad to leave such a wonderful group, it's only because I've been so blessed by it. AND it's not like I will never see these people again at church, it just won't be on such a consistent level.

SO. Even though I'm sad, I know it's because I've been so blessed.

Resolution-Less Year

I've never liked New Year's Eve. Not that I haven't had fun on New Year's Eve, but the older I get, the more I just want to stay tucked in on New Year's Eve (it just makes zero sense to me to get into a tiny dress in the freezing cold to go out on the roads with lots of drunks out and about - not my idea of fun). And this year, especially after surgery and being sick and generally being moody, I was especially not looking forward to the new year. I couldn't really even put my finger on it.......I just wasn't looking forward to 2012. I wasn't even in the mood to make any resolutions......which REALLY isn't like me. I typically love making plans and setting goals, but not this year. I guess I just felt a little bit like I don't have much to look forward to (which isn't actually true). I sometimes feel that nothing in my life is going to change, which feels so monotonous. Especially now that I'm settled in WI, I could very realistically not have any big changes for a LONG time. Like years. And when so many of my friends have so many changes all the time (weddings and babies, in particular) it is just....oy. Monotonous.

And then it was Sunday and it was the new year. I felt pretty indifferent about it. And then during the singing at church, one of my pastors shared something - I wish I could remember more of the specifics - but the gist of it was that he had been feeling overwhelmed and hopeless during the week. His wife had some encouragement for him that he shared (and I can't remember right now) and I just felt like everything he was saying really resonated with me. I've been feeling hopeless.......Still single and it didn't work out with a nice guy. Hopeless that I'll ever find someone. Seemingly always sick and dealing with chronic pain in my shoulder. Hopeless that I'll ever get better. Just kinda generally bored with things. And I so appreciated what he shared: that I have no reason to be hopeless because in Christ we have the greatest hope.

So I cried through the next two songs (It Is Well and Before the Throne) because I *do* have the greatest hope.

......whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, it is well with my soul.....

......Christ has regarded my helpless estate, and has shed His own blood for my soul......

......when Satan tempts me to despair, and tells me of the guilt within, upward I look and see Him there, Who made an end to all my sin.....

I was so thankful for the reminder that I have a personal Savior who does care about every detail of my life. That there really is nothing to despair about. That being single is NOT the end of the world. Sometimes I just need a kick in the butt to remind me that I have it pretty easy.

This is my "lot", like It Is Well says. Though it's not the lot I would have chosen to park in, here I sit. And God ordained it. And He cares about it. I think I'm actually sitting in one of the best-lit and most well-protected lots there is, but I have dreams of a lot where every car is a Lexus and they all have cheery children being perfectly well behaved sitting in their car seats, singing the praises of their beautiful (size 6) mother. That's the lot where I want to be. But my lot is perfectly fine, and I should enjoy it. And I know that I sometimes cry when I sing It Is Well because I feel remorse that I don't always say "whatever my lot, it is well". So, those songs were a wonderful reminder and a balm to my heart on Sunday.

Then later in the day I saw another great reminder on a friend's Facebook page: he said "In Christ, a new year doesn't equal a clean slate. Our slate is already clean. No Christ, no clean slate, regardless of new year's resolutions".

So, I'm thankful for a clean slate, whether or not it's a new year. My slate is clean, even though I know that I will feel the need to "have a clean slate" more than once or twice in the coming year. But I'm starting the year resolution-less, other than feeling resolved to appreciate all that I have been given and stop dreaming of the lot with all the beautiful Lexus drivers (as much).

....and Then Two More Months Went By....

Psych! You all thought I was actually going to start blogging after my post two months ago!

Why didn't I actually start blogging when I said I was going to (and wanted to)? I seriously have no idea. Well, I have *some* idea, but no real good reason*. I've been just kinda bummed the last two months for no real good reasons* at all, so I guess I didn't really want to start blogging while I was in that mood.

*here are the "no real good reasons": I stopped going on dates with a nice guy. We had a good time on the dates we did go on, but we just didn't click. And even though the feeling was mutual, it was a bummer. Just feels like I'm going to be single forever. And then I had a cyst (chilazion) removed from my eyelid, which actually made me more sick and annoyed than I ever thought it would. Took longer to "recover" and be back to feeling normal than I thought it would. And then I got a huge cold for 2-3 weeks. Right through Christmas. And I was so on track with my half marathon training until all of that, so I was annoyed when everything went off track. So basically I'm just selfish and when my plans don't turn out I get crabby and decide not to blog about it all because I don't like to be a bummer about such trivial things when other people have actual sad things going on that are much more important than all of that. Okay.

BUT. I will do one more mass-catch-up and then I will get down to actually blogging.

NOVEMBER:...Palindrome Day!!, Breaking Free breakfast, Quilt retreat, Gopher basketball games, Alice Hanson funeral, great time in LP for Thanksgiving, Craft show, went to see a bestie in White Christmas, and stopped going on dates with a nice guy

DECEMBER:...Pat's Tap with girlfriends, Nutcracker ballet with Eva to see a girl from church (SO great), EYE SURGERY (had a cyst removed), church Christmas party, family weekend in the cities (TOO much fun - Radison downtown, Hell's Kitchen breakfast, movies in bed, mom shopping, Dad and Ang to Gopher game, surprise dinner at The Melting Pot, McDonald's breakfast in bed thanks to Dad, surprising Dad with Les Mis, dinner with the sisters), cookie exchange, BE baby shower, JC 30th bday party, small group coffee, Christmas in LP, annual family game day in Atwater (complete with YARD games, thanks to no snow yet!!), Wild game on NYE, low key NYE dinner with friends.........NEW YEAR!

SO. Here we go. For real.

2011 by the Numbers

States Visited: 8 (CA, KS, MO, TX, FL, IL, PA, IA)

Countries Visited: technically 0, but went to a few US territories on our cruise

Weddings Attended: 0 (BOO! I LOVE weddings....can't believe I didn't go to a single one this year!)

Trips to the Cabin: 5 (pretty slim number, here. Gotta change that in 2012)

Triathlons: 0

5Ks: 1

Trips to Green Bay: 2

Football Games (in person): 3 professional, 1 college

Blog Posts: 9 (lame!)

Half Marathons: 1 (Chicago)

Funerals: 2 (dear family friends lost both Grandma and Grandpa this year)

Books Read: 20 (some of them were listened to)

Times Pulled Over: 1 (boo!)

Dates: 4

Resolutions Kept: 0

.....and a lot more babies born to friends, plus one big move to WI!

Unintentional-Turned-Intentional Blogging Hiatus

Wow. I've been gone for seven months! At first my blogging break was completely unintentional - I was busy (more on that later) and blogging took a back seat. Then the break became so long that I decided to make it an intentional 6-month break. Then that date came and went without me realizing it, so the hiatus continued. I don't assume that anyone still even reads this blog, but I've missed writing. I especially miss that I haven't documented the last months when I look back at the few years worth of documented moments, memories, and lessons that I have on this blog and want to remember.

So. Here we go again. SO much has changed in the last seven months. I haven't been to this site at all in the last seven months, so I had forgotten that my previous post from March 22 was titled "Starting Over". Reading that post tonight was a little crazy for me. I am in such a different place (literally and figuratively) and I felt a wave of total blessing to know all that has changed in a short time. I really have started over in so many ways - new territory, new state, new home, new age (as in number, not religion).......

I think (for my own sake when I revisit this blog in the future) I'm going to start with a month-by-month catch up. Thanks to my obsession with Google Calendar, I should be able to recreate the last few months fairly accurately. Then I think I'll follow that up with a few posts reflecting on some of the bigger changes in the last few months.

[This is the part of the post you skip because a month-by-month catch up really serves no purpose for anyone but myself. There is nothing insightful that follows, just a list of what has been happening]

APRIL: Brother/Sister game night, small group game night, Pinstripes with church friends, TK's Minn. coaches Hall of Fame induction dinner, Matt Wertz concert, trip to LaCrosse to visit AD, trip to PA to start my job search, Beav's bday in Cannon Falls, Family Easter brunch at the Lake Elmo Inn (YUM), trip to Kansas City with BD to visit HW and fam......

MAY: Kickball started/basketball ended, bonfire in Belle Plaine with church friends, race in GB with Dad and Beav, cabin/project weekend with Mom and Dad (my first solo painting project completed!), I MOVED (April 15th was the first mention of me switching territories and I was packed and moved to WI on May 23rd), and three days after I moved I went to FL for the Next conference.....

JUNE: Four days after I got home from FL I went to CA for a week for work, my new territory started on June 13th (for the first month I drove about 2000 miles a week!). Many people went to my cabin, but I never made it there in June. I got older and had a much more low-key birthday celebration than usual (but very pleasant all the same), went to LP for Prairie Days and a dedication of a garden at Camp Lebanon to my Grandparents, auditioned for a new job (yes, auditioned).........

JULY: FINALLY to the cabin, dinner in St Paul to say so long to a dear friend headed out of the country to be a missionary, Saints game with church friends, Chicago trip with SL and my parents to see the Twins and eat amazing food, brother/sister cabin weekend in PR, FINAL audition for new job (which I didn't get, btw), family reunion in Iowa, goodbye dinner for BL, cabin weekend with BD, NK, HW and fam, small group pool party......

AUGUST: Bethel friends cabin weekend, movie night with church friends, Twins game with sis, Chicago Half Marathon with BW, Welcome Team meetings, CA for another week for work, straight from CA to PA to meet up with my family on vacation and "enjoy" Hurricane Irene.....

SEPTEMBER: Final cabin weekend (SO FUN), GreekFest, Jesse James Days, dinner at Spill the Wine with girlfriends, lots of kickball fun, friends' 30th bday parties.......

OCTOBER: trip to KC with the fam for the Vikings game, time with my bestie while she was in town, brother/sister game weekend, Mom and her friends visit WI, Ang's bday dinner at Marx (YUM), a blind date (complete with embarrassing moments), Pampered Chef party (FREE stuff!), Bethel friends slumber party (ten girls!), Vikings/Packers game in the Dome, Dad in the hospital for a week.....

Some reflections to follow......

Starting Over

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43: 18-19

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I feel like I am starting over. Or that I need to start over. When we "spring ahead" with our clocks, I always feel that nature is starting over, and I have a chance for a fresh start, too. And while the weather this week isn't nearly as pleasant as it was last week, the longer hours of daylight and the grass that is showing itself give me hope that a new season is on it's way.

Some of my starting over has to do with "little" things, like the fact that I had finally gotten to the point where my driving record had no tickets on it for five years, and then I went and got a ticket last week. So I'm starting over on working toward a ticketless record. And I had begun to see some improvement in a shoulder injury that has really been bothering me....until I fell on the ice last week and really messed it up. So I'm starting over in my treatment plan with a doctors appointment this Thursday.

Some of my starting over has to do with "big" things, like my employment. I've honestly been in a "desert" when it comes to my job. I've considered for awhile if I should stick it out or move on. I'm starting a job search, and while I'm also waiting for the dust to settle on a few new developments at work, I'm somewhat convinced I'm being called in a new direction. Which might actually mean I'm being called to a new state. Which is scary and exciting. I'm praying about the timing of these new developments and that my choice would be made crystal clear - and I'd love it if you would join me with prayers of your own.

My AP gave me the above verses from Isaiah a while back, and I keep coming back to them. Throughout much of the Old Testament, the Israelites clearly wondered what God was doing, but in these verses He reminds them that He has, does, and will care for them in their literal wilderness and desert, or in figurative wilderness and desert (captivity in Egypt, being under Babylonian rule). He will make a way. He will provide a river.

Another note my AP gave me a long time ago (have I mentioned how encouraging my AP is?!?!) was a note from a sermon that said "God is sovereign over every famine". I remember at the time she gave me the note, I was going through a discouraging time as a home owner. It felt like a famine financially. I've been encouraged by the ways God has provided even without me having a renter at the cabin. God is sovereign over every famine. He will make a way. He will provide a river. Sometimes being single feels like a famine. Sometimes work feels like a famine. Sometimes my relationships leave me famished. But God has a purpose for my life and has ordained every step.

I'm facing some fear in making decisions about work. What if I make the wrong choice? What if nothing good comes along and I'm stuck in the desert? What if I move and don't like it? What if, what if, what if. I was SO encouraged by the words from the song "Completely Done" that we sang on Sunday. Even if my future at work isn't clear, my future in Christ is clear. I don't need to fear failure, because Christ will keep me. I don't need to fear making the wrong choice, because God has already completed my story - he performed a miracle to save me and He will guide and direct me.

So I'm starting over. I'm looking for a new thing, all the while holding tight to the "new thing" mentioned in Isaiah that has God has done for me; He saved me to redeem my story, and he cares about every step of it.

"Completely Done"

What reason have I to doubt
Why would I dwell in fear
When all I have known is grace
My future in Christ is clear

My sins have been paid in full
There's no condemnation here
I live in the good of this
My Father has brought me near
I'm leaving my fears behind me now

Chorus
The old is gone, the new has come
What You complete is completely done
We're heirs with Christ, the victory won
What You complete is completely done

I don't know what lies ahead
What if I fail again
You are my confidence
You'll keep me to the end
I'm leaving my fears behind me now

By Jonathan Baird, Ryan Baird, and Rich Gunderlock

What I Learned on the Cruise

What a great week of vacation! Sun, food, laughing, games, more food, shows, islands, water, more sun, more food, more games, more shows...........all fun. I wish we could have stayed another week!

I didn't remember much about the only other cruise I'd been on (in 5th grade), so there were a few things I learned this time around:

1. The shower in your cruise stateroom is the most DIFFICULT place to shave your legs.
2. You can very quickly get used to having a card that you flash to get free pop. This does not work once you leave the boat, so don't embarrass yourself by trying it at the airport.
3. It's stupidly funny to say "well, we're all in the same boat" when you are, in fact, literally on the same boat.
4. Cruise staterooms have mirrors everywhere. This makes it amazingly easy to fix the back of your hair. It also makes it depressingly easy to see what you actually look like in your swimsuit from behind (especially after five or six days of non-stop buffet eating).
5. The sway of a cruise ship makes everyone walk very clumsily. This is a great way to blend in if you typically are the only person who is stumbling around on dry land.
6. I'm still allergic to fruit. I usually tolerate fruit in small amounts here and there. But each night there was a delicious cold fruit soup at dinner, plus other fruit that I mixed in throughout the days, and I got hives on the final night. Good things about the situation: it was the final night, the hives were VERY mild, and I had plenty of Benadryl on hand.
7. Fly in the day before you leave. If you miss the boat, you basically miss a good chunk of your vacation. In our case, the earliest you could have caught the boat would have been on Wednesday at St. Thomas. One couple in our group got delayed all day on Sunday to the point where we thought they wouldn't make the ship. They made it by less than five minutes - maybe less than one minute. Lesson learned: fly the day before. (they only made the ship by not even going to baggage claim at all, so they spent the week without luggage!)
8. Go with a group. Being on a cruise with 16 people in our group was so fun! We always had people participating in every event that was held on the ship, which made the events fun to watch and cheer for. We held our own little card tournament, and there was always someone to find to grab a bite to eat, lay by the pool, walk on the deck, learn a line dance, shop, etc.

All in all, it was a WONDERFUL vacation! Unlike any vacation I've ever been on, but so very wonderful!