With Thankfulness

I had another WONDERFUL Thanksgiving weekend at home. It wasn't a typical Thanksgiving (last year was more typical with lots of people home and lots of activity which prompted me to have a "stomach full; heart even more so"), but throughout the weekend I was reminded of the many things I've been thankful for throughout the year:

• Family: Even though my sisters weren't able to come home for Thanksgiving this year, we've had plenty of weekends together as a family recently. I'm blessed to have a family that I enjoy spending time with, and sisters who are also my friends. I'm grateful for generous, hospitable parents who put up with us, too!
• Health: A few weeks ago, Dad passed along an email that he described as "sobering". Indeed, it was. He had heard from a woman whose father was also fighting, and still is, a similar cancer to what Dad had. Her father is still receiving chemo each week and has cancer spread throughout his entire body. My sister and I just talked last night about another friend who feels that she may have her final Christmas with her mom coming up because of her mother's cancer diagnosis. In Dad's case, he has been in remission for two years and will have his final PET scan this month, as well as have his port removed (the device they use to administer chemo). Health is something that is often taken for granted until it is gone, but I'm continually grateful for Dad's health, and reminded to keep others who are struggling with health issues in my prayers. Also, since last Thanksgiving, both of my Grandmas have passed away. I'm thankful that they were healthy as long as they were and that I had the time with them that I did. I'm thankful for my Grandpa's health and for the time (like this past weekend) that I can spend with him.
• Singleness: Admittedly, being thankful for my singleness is a half-truth. This year has been one where I've resigned myself to the fact that I won't be the young wife and mother I always thought I would be, which is a difficult/sad reality in my eyes. But it's also been a year when I've tried to choose to not dwell on what I don't have, but what I do have. I have the freedom to travel (Europe and Hawaii this year) and spend time with my sisters, and the time and finances to find ways to bless others in a way that might not be possible when/if I get married and have kids. Making that choice to "take advantage" of my singleness is really why I started my year by writing out core values, and while I KNOW I still have room to improve in my thankfulness for being single, I really have experienced much grace in this area.

In addition to these "big" categories, I was also thankful for time last weekend to EAT, finish reading "The Help" (I recommend), SLEEP IN, watch good football games, work hard at Mom's craft show (though not hardly as hard as Mom worked), play games with my cousins.....etc, etc, etc.

A Year Later

Spent the weekend in Green Bay with my parents and sis. We celebrated Mother's Day a week late, and I ran with Dad in his first cancer-free 5K! We played a ton of Rook and some Black Queen, ate lots of good food, laughed, watched some Lifetime Movies, and got up entirely too early today to run the race. Dad and I were wishing that the other sisters could have run with us, but there were schedule conflicts and a fractured foot that got in the way. Thankfully we had a gorgeous morning to run - a bit cool, but the sun was shining and there was significantly less wind than yesterday (when it was blowing 30 mph all day) and no rain. Yes!

In twelve days it will be one year from when Dad first called me to say he had cancer. It is crazy how thinking of that day brings back very raw emotions and it feels like it was literally yesterday. It is also crazy how thinking of the year since then can seem like five years. So much took place over this year. As soon as he was diagnosed we said that we wanted to run a race - a cancer-free race. We made him a shirt for Christmas a month after we found out he was in remission. We are so thankful for, and continue to pray for, healing in his body. And we look forward to doing many more cancer-free races!

Great News!

I was a bit blubbery today.

Dad called this morning to say that his PET scan results came back with great news – the intermediate level of his cancer is GONE!

WOO HOO!!!

Tearing up just thinking about it.

The last five months have dragged on and on. I can hardly believe that Dad has reached this point. I wondered when it would come and how it would feel.

Well, it feels AWESOME!

Cancer sends you on and emotional roller coaster, to say the least.

I’ll never forget the moment Dad called (Friday, May 30) to say that his doctor was fairly certain he had cancer. More tests were needed, but cancer was the only thing the doctor thought would turn up. I pulled off to the side of Highway 52 and screamed and cried.

The next few weeks were hard – a lot of waiting and praying and crying.

When you first find out about cancer, it feels overwhelming. It feels terminal – even if it isn’t. It feels like the world stops spinning. When it feels like the world didn’t stop spinning, you wished it would. You want things to do – anything – just to keep busy. You want nothing to do – nothing at all – just so you can lie in bed and cry. I knew in my mind that hope was there – hope in Christ – but my heart didn’t always feel that.

Today feels like an amazing relief. I was just telling a friend a few days ago that I had gotten to the point where thinking about Dad’s cancer doesn’t “dominate” me anymore. I still think about it daily and pray about it a lot, but it used to feel all consuming. I had moved past that point to a point where it felt more manageable. I didn’t feel like I was grieving anymore, like I had felt at the beginning. Now I feel like it is time to celebrate!

Of course, with cancer, there is a caveat. Dad has more tests next week for his bone marrow, where he had a low grade form of his cancer. He may need radiation, too, but those things are greatly overshadowed by the great news from the PET scan.

I’ve learned a lot in five months: about cancer, about myself, about my family, about my friends, and about my God. I can’t really put much of it into words because….it’s all….messy. So that means I’m still learning about all of it. And I always will be, I hope.

But if I could stop learning about cancer, that would be just fine with me!

I Have a Feeling...

....that today is going to be AWESOME!

• I was up every hour last night with the sick dog, but now I am done dog-sitting!

• Just talked to Dad as he waits for his chemo - he missed last week's treatment due to an infected incision site, but this week he is feeling great and ready for chemo! Not loving the idea that he is having all those drugs pumped into him, but loving the idea that the drugs are working and he is hopefully getting back on schedule!

• Twins won again last night, making tonight's game very important and exciting. And I will be there with fun friends!

• The Office is FINALLY on tonight! Definitely will be taping and watching it after the game! Oh man, I LOVE THE OFFICE!
  
• Most importantly, my best friend just sent me a text that SHE IS IN LABOR! Oh man, oh man, oh man. Even though they are hundreds of miles away, it will be SO exciting to welcome their baby into the world. And to finally find out the gender!

I know for sure that I will cry hard and laugh hard today. And it will be great!

A Mixed Bag

I head to Green Bay on Wednesday to act as Dad’s nurse as he gets his third chemo treatment.

What I am looking forward to:

• Seeing Mom and Dad: Man, I seriously love being with my parents. We’ve gotten to the parent/friend point of life and it rocks.
• Time in the car: Listening to music and sermons, driving, scenery, I love it all.
• Chemo: Can’t wait to see what goes on and understand more about the whole process.
• Food: My mom = best cook ever

What I am not looking forward to:

• Seeing Mom and Dad: There’s no doubt that this has been a summer of suffering for them. I hate witnessing it.
• Time in the car: It’s when my mind wanders most. Lately I end up in tears because I get so overcome with fear and anxiety.
• Chemo: I don’t think anyone really wants to see their Dad have chemo. I mean, really. That stinks.
• Food: I have a knee injury, thus no working out for 2 months, thus an added 10 lbs. I really don’t need to be tempted with yummy food right now.

So it’s a mixed bag. Say a prayer for my family. Cancer is a long road and we appreciate your support.

Last Lecture

I saw a teaser for a PrimeTime special last night about Randy Pausch and his Last Lecture. It got me interested enough that I went onto YouTube and searched for his lecture. I found it, and after 5 minutes, I was interested enough to listen for over an hour. I was intrigued because I really like good speeches, and this seemed to have some good content. I was also intrigued because Randy Pausch knew he was dying of cancer. That puts an interesting twist on speaking in a lecture series about “what you would speak on if it were the last lecture you were to give”.

Not only does Pausch seem to be one of the smartest people ever (he was one of the foremost experts on Virtual Reality), but he also seemed like a very likable guy. All of this plays into his ability to deliver a really great speech and make some good points along the way. While I watched the lecture, I wondered if Pausch was a Christian. Some of his points seemed derived from some form of faith or another, while others are just basic good principles on how to be a good person (it was said in the PrimeTime special that he purposely stays away from mentioning spirituality, but they didn’t say why – or at least I didn’t catch it if they did).

What he did really well was put real life examples behind some basic sayings:

• Loyalty is a two way street: He talked about how putting his neck on the line for someone came back to help him later on.
• Brick walls are there to let us prove how badly we want something and show our dedication: He talked about not getting accepted to a grad program.
• There is a difference between the reasonable thing and the right thing: He talked about a time when he was mistreated and it would have been reasonable to leave the program, but it wasn’t the right thing to do.

And this list could go on, but I wanted to point out three things he said that, for whatever reason, stuck out to me.

• "Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted."
  I can look back on so many things that I wanted, but I came away with just an experience. Some of them I am totally fine with, and some of them are harder to swallow. In the end, things went the way they did for a reason, and the Lord knows the best plan for my life, no matter how badly I wanted a certain thing. And I should learn from, and be thankful for, the experience. I didn’t get what I wanted, but I did get an experience.
• "When it comes to men, it is really simple. Just ignore what they say and pay attention to what they do."
  This was just an interesting sidebar in his speech (probably inserted for his young daughter), but I think it is a good reminder. I can get caught up in what a guy does (or doesn’t) say, but if I take away the words and look at the actions, I get a clearer picture of what is really going on. Now to stay objective enough to do this is a whole ‘nother story….
• "Talking about fun is like a fish talking about the importance of water. I’m dying and I’m having fun."
  You could certainly tell that Randy Pausch has had a fun life. And it’s true – he was diagnosed with the deadliest kind of cancer (he passed away last week), yet he was having fun. And I think that has a lot to do with why this speech was so powerful to people. A lot of people are eloquent and can string together good principles in a speech and pepper it with funny stories, but not everyone would respond to his diagnosis in the same way.

So, even though I ignored some of the new age-y themes, I’m glad I took the time to listen to the Last Lecture. It wasn’t quite as good as the sermon I listened to yesterday (which I probably will blog on at some point once I digest), but it was good for what it was.

And I feel some sort of strange kinship to him – like I am in The Club. You know – the one where someone in your immediate family has cancer. There are a lot of us in the club, but you don’t know what it feels like to be a member until you actually become one. And then it clicks, and you can have empathy and understand the emotions that are involved to a deeper degree. So that is what I did. I watched his wife and kids on the PrimeTime special and bawled my eyes out. Life isn’t fair, but my dad told me that was a good thing, because if life was fair we’d all go to Hell. That’s what we deserve.

So you accept what you are handed and you ask God for the grace to handle it, and He walks you through.

And you’re thankful for your experience. Not because it’s what you wanted, but because it’s an experience.